I remember having very definite ideas of parenting and nutrition before I had a child. I pictured bringing my toddler with me to a French bistro, where she would order in perfect French and have impeccable manners. We would enjoy trying new cuisines and she would bring exquisite Bento box lunches to daycare- probably in the shape of a cat or something. Each food group would be presented and she would not have any such thing as a preference, let alone an outright aversion.
Then, I had a child and I was so excited to fulfill my dazzling dreams of parenthood. When my daughter started eating solids, I let her try everything in hopes that she would be the cool baby who ate kale and other hippie shit. I was pleasantly surprised when she ate Cuban food and sushi. Finally! The baby of my dreams was corporeal! I was the smug mom, you know, the one bragging about her kid on Facebook. Man, did I screw up. Food is now a nightmare, and I hate it.
- My daughter will suck down an entire box of pouches like she’s got friggin situational amnesia. As soon as one is gone, she forgets she ate it. She will even have the nerve to ask me for more after she’s JUST had one. WTF. I spend 1/3 of my income on stupid ass pouches.
- She eats a total of three things. Pouches, yogurt tubes, and Chick-Fil-A nuggets. I exposed her to culinary delicacies from multiple lands, and this is the shit she eats. No disrespect to Chick-Fil-A, but seriously?
- God help me if I get the wrong flavor of yogurt. The other day, she spat out a glob of the “wrong” yogurt on my ottoman. The displeasure was palpable. So was the stain.
- She refuses to sit down to eat. Period. Every night it’s like wrestling a crocodile to get food in this kid’s gaping maw! She won’t sit in her ikea high chair. She won’t sit in my lap. She won’t sit in a chair. What is the deal?
- If it doesn’t have a ton of sugar, she won’t eat it. I remember fondly my pre-pregnancy self thinking, “My child won’t even know what sugar is until she’s in college! She’ll be completely free of all artificial sugars and chemicals!” Yeah, no. That ended at around thirteen months.
- This kid is NEVER full. Ever. Imagine a baby with a second stomach. That’s my kid. She steals food from the kids at her daycare. They have taken to hunching, like wary convicts over their food. I shit you not.
- Two words: Dorito dust. Before I had a child, I knew that Dorito dust on fingers and hands was a problem. Right now, in my house- it’s an epidemic. In fact, it’s now my inadvertent perfume.
- So many tossed plates!
- My dog is now considered “overweight” and lumbers into the kitchen anytime he hears the refrigerator door open. He’s a Chihuahua, and he now looks like a sausage with saucer eyes.
- What’s with the damn snacks? I don’t remember so many snacks! It’s like real food no longer exists!
So in short, my dreams of having the kid who would eat deconstructed Caesar salad are down the toilet. I’ve got the kid who turns her nose up at nutritious food and sneaks a Twinkie. Learn from my smugness. If you’re a FTM, don’t brag about how your ten month old eats wonderfully. That will most certainly come back and bite you in the ass.